The Fallacy of ‘Agreeing to Disagree’

‘ I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree” has become the go to phrase when adults can’t seem to find common ground. It seems polite , an attempt to keep the peace, but after hearing it ad naseum during this last 18 months, I have concluded that it is just another form of passive aggression.

“Agreeing to disagree” offers no possibility of reaching across the table. It offers no motivation to have grown up conversations that include mediation , non-violent communication solutions, or even a hint of willingness to see the other side.

There is nothing agreeable about being so consumed by being right that taking in another perspective isn’t even possible. No one ‘wins’, ultimately, by keeping their fragile egos intact.

There is nothing agreeable about having no accountability for egregious beliefs presented as ‘not that bad’. There is no validity in explaining away horrible things that have happened because of a belief in ‘personal freedom’ or a supposed ‘right ‘.

The dodge of ‘agree to disagree’ is usually offered by the person who knows their shabby opinion has no real basis in truth or fact. It’s just something they think.

The more we agree to disagree, the more we allow truly dangerous beliefs to thrive and become normal. The more we permit ignorance to reign. The more we contribute to a society that doesn’t know how to move beyond black and white. The more we agree to disagree, the more we condone behavior that is not okay.

What about moving beyond the ‘ agree to disagree’ cop out to seek reconciliation and dignity rather than “winning”?

What about learning to be curious about why a person comes to the conclusion they do on both sides of an issue?

What about, rather than a power struggle to stake a claim , we learn to observe and come to terms with our own cognitive dissonance?

Within this context, there is also the necessary caveat of reality. Some of us continue to seek the commonality and humanity in all, but are losing compassion and understanding as others dig their heels in deeper to be right about obvious wrongs. Some things really are indefensible. No amount of agreeing to disagree is going to change that.

Losing the ‘agree to disagree ‘ mentality challenges us to grow big adult wings and see beyond the limitations of our entrenched beliefs. It also means we can stand within our integrity when the alternate is to align with absurdity.